2 Years

I can still remember the words of my dad, “you’re supposed to be able to turn to family for support, who do you turn to when you can’t do that?”

He had called me to ask if I was ok. A day earlier I had ignited the wrath of my family by editing myself into a family photo. My dad and I have always been close so in his call he reassured me that this wouldn’t change anything between us. For most of my biological family though, everything was different.

To truly understand what was happening we have to step back. Back 4 years prior to a phone call I had with my mom.

“Mom, I think I’m transgender and I’m really sorry.”

She was very upset. “Why the fuck did you get married then?” was followed by a promise that we could keep this “our little secret.” Setting the stage for 4 years later. I was tired of keeping an open secret, tired of the phone calls after every time I opened up about it, just tired.

So there it was, a family photo that my grandma shared to facebook saying “what a wonderful family.” But I wasn’t in it. I wasn’t even invited to be in it.

I had just started law school and for the first time in my life my mom’s family started contacting me instead of the other way around. It was weird and uncomfortable. They all knew the secret. Everyone knew.

So the photo should not have come as a surprise. I had purchased a month subscription to the Adobe Cloud, went through a basic Photoshop tutorial and put myself in there. In full trans glory, I added that I had felt the photo was missing someone and that I had fixed it.

My grandma and I haven’t spoken since.

Then the calls and texts started pouring in. My sister called me to let me know that grandma was very upset and what is she going to tell her church friends now?

This is the same sister who without a shred of irony had questioned my sanity a month prior. Her husband took his anger to Facebook. I wrote him and ice message he never read. I know he never read it because he told me and then called me an asshat.

Everyone else was just silent. No notes, no phone calls, nothing. They were just gone like that.

At the end of the day I counted and between friendships, family, exes, etc. I had lost 40 people over the course of trying to just start transitioning. It was incredibly painful.

The one thing I’ve learned through all of this is that strength doesn’t come from never feeling pain, it’s from finding a way to brush yourself off after your world has been shattered.

In the time since I’ve been rebuilding my life. Taking on a newly visible trans identity has given me the chance to try things that I never would have before.

I’ve also learned to just find myself. Each day that goes by I feel a little more at home in my own body and now I can work towards healing the old wounds from a past life.

But if you would have told me that in October 2018 I wouldn’t have believed it.

Sometimes it’s nice to be surprised.